The Charge: Setting the table to become Hustler Magazine’s “World’s Sexiest Grandma” in 2025
On a series that boasts two alumni who have served time in jail, Farrah Abraham manages to surpass the standard of underage mom excellence. Not that it’s any of his business, but Joe Francis himself would undoubtedly admire the courage of this shameless woman warrior. And lament the fact that he hadn’t filmed her first.
Farrah sprung from the mentally sound and stable womb of Debra Danielson on May 31st, 1991. She went on to a mostly unassuming life until embarking on a two person cheer that started with “Gimme a D!” and ended with her hanging up her pompoms. Unwilling, or perhaps unable to understand the magnitude of the life decision she had capriciously signed off on (being on TV), our young heroine “turned lemons into Mike’s Hard Lemonade,” by letting the cameras roll as she grew into her new role of baby incubator. Abraham’s episode included all of the pertinent tropes of teen momdom, including ugly crying, fighting with her parents, and of course, the series’ tagline “I didn’t know this was going to be so haaaard” which is almost always shouted or texted into a phone more intelligent than its user.
Abraham’s episode, like all of those that had come before her, culminated with the birth of her child. But this isn’t about children, this is about choices. So back to those, because she is literally a master of quality decision making. Following the success of her episode, Abraham spun off onto a series lauding the behaviors of teen parents. Viewers who traded an hour of their lives in for time they could never, ever get back, were rewarded with glimpses into Abraham’s life as a new mom. This life, as captured on tape, (so we know it all happened) was filled with the kinds of brilliant parenting decisions you’d expect from someone not old enough to legally drink, but somehow biologically qualified to parent. AND included baby’s first brow wax. Awwwww.
From there, Abraham realized that she was a triple threat- in that she could threaten us in numerous ways with her continued presence. She released something loosely considered “music”, “penned” a “book” outlining those precious moments and deep thoughts not captured by the camera crew, and dabbled in cinema verite.
Not content to keep anything from her
adoring public fans, Abraham expressed disgust when an “innocent video” she filmed with a porn star was “leaked” after a deal was struck with an adult entertainment distributor. That deal, known to many as “the reason for my nightmares” was brokered in a room that contained 3 generations of Abrahams. (That’s right, her father and toddler daughter were present when the papers were signed.) Abraham hopes that the leaked video will launch her into Kardashian levels of fame, at least until she is replaced by someone younger and with a better nose job/boob job/publicist.
The Verdict: Farrah's unwavering parenting skills will only be matched by her hero in fame(whoring) Kimberly Kardashian. Let's hope that one doesn't have a daughter. We sentence the former to time served, and to slowly inherit the tight-lipped scowl of her mother.