Farrah Abraham

The Charge: Setting the table to become Hustler Magazine’s “World’s Sexiest Grandma” in 2025

On a series that boasts two alumni who have served time in jail, Farrah Abraham manages to surpass the standard of underage mom excellence. Not that it’s any of his business, but Joe Francis himself would undoubtedly admire the courage of this shameless woman warrior. And lament the fact that he hadn’t filmed her first.

Farrah sprung from the mentally sound and stable womb of Debra Danielson on May 31st, 1991. She went on to a mostly unassuming life until embarking on a two person cheer that started with “Gimme a D!” and ended with her hanging up her pompoms. Unwilling, or perhaps unable to understand the magnitude of the life decision she had capriciously signed off on (being on TV), our young heroine “turned lemons into Mike’s Hard Lemonade,” by letting the cameras roll as she grew into her new role of baby incubator. Abraham’s episode included all of the pertinent tropes of teen momdom, including ugly crying, fighting with her parents, and of course, the series’ tagline “I didn’t know this was going to be so haaaard” which is almost always shouted or texted into a phone more intelligent than its user.

Abraham’s episode, like all of those that had come before her, culminated with the birth of her child. But this isn’t about children, this is about choices. So back to those, because she is literally a master of quality decision making. Following the success of her episode, Abraham spun off onto a series lauding the behaviors of teen parents. Viewers who traded an hour of their lives in for time they could never, ever get back, were rewarded with glimpses into Abraham’s life as a new mom. This life, as captured on tape, (so we know it all happened) was filled with the kinds of brilliant parenting decisions you’d expect from someone not old enough to legally drink, but somehow biologically qualified to parent. AND included baby’s first brow wax. Awwwww.

From there, Abraham realized that she was a triple threat- in that she could threaten us in numerous ways with her continued presence. She released something loosely considered “music”, “penned” a “book” outlining those precious moments and deep thoughts not captured by the camera crew, and dabbled in cinema verite.

Not content to keep anything from her adoring public fans, Abraham expressed disgust when an “innocent video” she filmed with a porn star was “leaked” after a deal was struck with an adult entertainment distributor. That deal, known to many as “the reason for my nightmares” was brokered in a room that contained 3 generations of Abrahams. (That’s right, her father and toddler daughter were present when the papers were signed.) Abraham hopes that the leaked video will launch her into Kardashian levels of fame, at least until she is replaced by someone younger and with a better nose job/boob job/publicist.

The Verdict: Farrah's unwavering parenting skills will only be matched by her hero in fame(whoring) Kimberly Kardashian. Let's hope that one doesn't have a daughter. We sentence the former to time served, and to slowly inherit the tight-lipped scowl of her mother.

Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

The Charge: writing a book that she herself cannot read.

For the prosecution: In the “golden age” of reality television, in order to become a star, a woman released a sex tape, got a tv deal, and then paraded around in her underwear on red carpets. Nicole Snooki Polizzi changed everything. When most women were making a sex tape to get ON television, Snooki was busy making TELEVISION her sex tape. Way to elevate the game, sister!

Lets back up. The year was 1987. People in America were making fashion mistakes, George Michael released a music video paying tribute to his backside, and an Italian Chilean woman was sending her infant daughter to Marlboro, New York in order to have a better life at the expense of everyone else. If you’re keeping score, Polizzi was not born in this country, and thus would not be capable of running for president. So thanks to the founding fathers for that. She led a relatively unassuming life until middle school when she received the moniker “Snooki” after a character appearing in 2001’s "Save The Last Dance,” which came out when she was 14, and not 35 which you may have assumed from photographs taken of her. Her high school years were turbulent, and Polizzi suffered from- and has since successfully beaten- an eating disorder with the help of beer, salami, capicola, and other Italian protein sources.

In the summer of 2009 Polizzi made her triumphant MTV debut on the television program “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” a show that focused on women dating beneath them. Presumably this is where she met her future costar, The Situation. An immediate onscreen success, Polizzi came back into our homes with the debut of 2010’s “Jersey Shore” where she demonstrated the exception to the rule, “never hit a lady”. She is now the highest paid legal prostitute in America, billing at a rate of over one thousand dollars per minute of exposure. In 2010, our young go-getter scored a marriage proposal on the cover of Steppin’ Out magazine, juggled a busy work schedule with a demanding self tanning regimen, and even managed to find the time to pen a novel, A Shore Thing, which she one day hopes to learn how to read. In a country that rewards drunken stupidity, this pint-sized dynamo has taken it to the top.

The Verdict?
Guilty of sullying the otherwise unblemished reputation of the state of New Jersey.

This court hereby sentences Nicole Snooki Polizzi to GTL: Gym, Therapy, Literacy.

Justin Drew Bieber

The Charge: Felony Preciousness

For the prosecution: Justin Bieber, or as his mom would probably prefer us to call him, “Jesus H. Bieber II”, fled the womb in 1994 in Canada and began what can only be described as the biggest pre-emptive strike between two nations at peace since David Hasselhoff stepped off a plane in Germany. The result of an unplanned teen pregnancy (show of hands who is grateful that show didn’t exist 16 years ago), Justin Bieber was raised by single mother Mallette, who worked a series of low-paying office jobs and bided her time. Meanwhile, a clearly bored (and probably unsupervised) Bieber grew interested in music and began to teach himself how to play various musical instruments- his favorite of course being Pro Tools. Mallette, not realizing that the internet is full of child-predators, began posting youtube videos of her son performing, to a growing audience of future “Dateline” hopefuls and 12 year old girls lacking a strong female role model.

In 2007, possibly the result of a bad email forward from someone’s aunt, a marketing executive stumbled across one of Justin Bieber’s videos. Impressed by the young man’s hair talent, the executive reached out to Bieber’s mother. Mallette, clearly an upstanding member of the Christian flock, began to pray for a Christian label to instead reach out to her and her son. However, after counting the bills in the suitcase filled with money dropped off at her doorstep, praying on it, Mallette allowed her 13 year old son to travel to Atlanta to record a demo tape. From there, Bieber’s hair talent was artfully coiffed and sculpted until it ousted the virtuous Jonas brothers as the biggest hypocrisy under 25 on the internet.

These days, Justin Bieber can be seen everywhere from the thigh of this man to the nightmares inside of your head. At this point, there is no known cure for Bieber Mania other than turning 18 and/or listening to a Beastie Boys album.

The Verdict?
Guilty as the hair is floppy.

The Sentence:
This court hereby sentences Justin Bieber to puberty. That’ll learn ‘im.

Miley Ray Cyrus (née: Destiny Hope Cyrus)

The charge: being born with a stripper name, changing it, becoming a stripper anyway. Also not learning from the mistakes of Britney Spears.

For the prosecution: Miley Ray Cyrus, actress, performer, singer, and Billy Ray’s second most embarrassing emission burst into the scene in 2006 with the monumental success of the television series "Hannah Montana." On the show, Cyrus played the role of Hannah, a young girl living a double life. The role was undoubtedly a reach, and garnered numerous Emmy nominations for outstanding childrens programming. (Go figure). Not content with just starring in the series, Cyrus parlayed the success into the music business, signing in 2007 with Hollywood Records and launching her solo career. From there, she continued the double- life theme of her existence combining her solo album tour with a tour as Hannah Montana- which was dubiously named The Best of Both Worlds. Best of went on to enormous commercial success, and has clearly proven that tween girls need guidance in yet another aspect of their emotionally and mentally chaotic lives.

In 2009 Cyrus’ worlds converged when the actress/singer/performer released Time of Our Lives, and became not a girl, not yet a woman. The album’s hit single, Party in The USA can still be heard ringing in the ears of people unfortunate enough to have heard the song play at least once on the radio, and those held against their will in Guantanamo Bay. Then she donned hot pants and pole-danced on an ice cream pushcart on national television, to her father’s delight. Paging Joe Simpson, line four.

Cyrus continued her barrage of underage fervor by posing in Vanity Fair, releasing an album entitled, Can’t be Tamed in 2010, reminding Perez Hilton what happens to gay men who publish photographs of 17 year old girls in provocative dress, and giving a costar a lap dance at a film’s wrap party. On tape. With the announcement of Cyrus’ parents divorce in 2010 after 17 years of marriage (the same number of years the Spears’ were married), Miley’s transformation from unassuming, effervescent teen star to pop tart was complete.

The verdict,
Not legal, massively guilty.

The Sentence:
This court hereby sentences Miley Cyrus to pick up Britney Spears’ album, Blackout, and to study it, very very carefully. Also to think about acquiring a pre-emptive conservator who is not a biological relative.

Paris Whitney Hilton

The Charge: being an innovator in fame-whoring.

For the Prosecution: Oh Paris Hilton, much like that "mysterious ailment" rumored to be plaguing you south of the equator… medication, prayer, and outright ignoring you won't keep you at bay. Your latest legal fiasco leaves us giddy with schadenfreude delight, but there is just so much to discuss in your illustrious “career.” Where do we begin?

The world of Paris Hilton began innocently enough, when she was signed by Donald Trump’s T Management agency in 2001 as a model. In retrospect it would seem ironic that of all of the judgment lapses Donald Trump has had in his infamous career, Paris Hilton’s first taste of flashbulbs has gone unrecognized. For many young blonde tartlettes, being photographed in couture as you frolic on a beach, or look hungry on a runway would be an acceptable amount of eye-gawking attention. But when you are attention seeking (read: damaged) and you’ve got millions of dollars in other’s hard work bestowed upon you, showing off the skills learned from a pose-coach, dancing on tables, and hiding your wonky lazy eye just isn’t enough. And our lady Hilton, she doth be a trail blazer.

In 2003, before any of us knew who Kim Kardashian (imagine!) was, Paris Hilton pioneered the sex-tape to mainstream fame trail when she “unknowingly” was filmed bedding Rick Solomon in, of course, a Hilton hotel. After feigning “shock” and “horror,” and hiring quite possibly the world’s most brilliant publicist, Hilton emerged from the scandal with more lines than an East Williamsburg dive bar. To most, this sort of press would be devastating, but for Hilton it pushed her new show FOX’s “The Simple Life”, into public view. “The Simple Life” catapulted Hilton, alongside fellow fame-seeker Nicole “2nd Fiddle” Ritchie into a higher profile than her days as a club hopping bimbo could have. As the show grew more successful, Hilton’s job prospects soared, thus enabling her to attempt to steal the music of Gwen Stefani. Add to this being burgled, getting caught driving under the influence, and a series of press-based engagements, and Hilton has maintained her position as tabloid toxin for the better part of a decade. Until recently, when her fame began to flame out.

Following Lindsay Lohan’s recent media (and drug) frenzy, Paris Hilton seems to have grown eager to regain the tanning bed- like glow of the spotlight. Seizing on the popular rich person hobby of “trendy drug muling,” Hilton was recently found in possession of cocaine before- according to witness reports, attempting to find a “private” room for it at “the inn” Other, even more hilarious reports suggest she even attempted to deny knowledge of possessing the amphetamine claiming that she instead thought it was chewing gum. Though really, who hasn’t confused their Bubblicious with a class A
narcotic? Oh right, most people.

The Verdict:
Culpable, because guilt would imply shame.

The Sentence:
This court hereby sentences Paris Hilton to be eaten alive by Khloe Kardashian. Hot sauce optional.

Michelle “Bombshell” McGee

The Charge: Causing everyone in the entertainment community to start believing in an “Oscar curse.”

For the Prosecution:
Class act and former quaint mid-westerner, Michelle “Bombshell” McGee grew up in a quiet Amish town in Ohio. She got her first tattoo on her back at 15, which she kept concealed. Our money is on a Tweety Bird. Then, at the age of 16 she reportedly flew the proverbial coop for California, and began a long ink-filled decent before landing (literally) on the lap of scandal. It is being reported while 70% of her body has been inked, her tattoo-bare soul has been reserved for white power main man himself, Adolph “One And a Half Balls” Hitler. But let’s back up a bit.

According to recent reports, McGee left her Amish town and family behind around the time other children are starring in their own grotesquely lavish reality series portraying their sweetest-16- of birthdays. As a (escapee?) former member of the Amish community, McGee was subsequently shunned by the rest of her tv/internet/newspaper/automobile lacking community. (Lucky them.) This includes her parents (good thing), friends from her childhood, and all family pets who might be shamed by her actions. Leaving her simple, possibly Aryan-only life behind, McGee began working as a tattoo model, amassing a series of tattoos and a loyal following of creeps in the process. During this time, McGee also managed to birth two children, one of reportedly Jewish decent believed to be named Elijah. Most Jewish people know him as the flake who never shows up at their Seders despite careful planning and an extra place setting. Miraculously, the mother of two's stomach shows no hints of distorted tattoos or stretch marks. In 2009, after reaching out to West Coast Choppers for a reported “modeling” job, McGee was put in touch directly with Vanilla Gorilla himself, Jesse James. From there, she began what she claims (unevenly) to have been a torrid 11-month affair with James at his garage. McGee now alleges that James’ marriage to Oscar winner Sandra Bullock was a sham for press, and that her tryst with the well-endowed auto-man was one as well. TWIST! Stay tuned.

The Verdict:
Tattoos McGee is guilty, guilty I say!

The Sentence:
This Court sentences Michelle McGee to a Aaron Neville-esque phallic sword facial tattoo on her face. Left cheek, please. Let’s keep this consistent.

Katie Irene Gosselin (née Kreider)

The Charge: Blazing a trail for Nadya Suleman

For the Prosecution: Whether it be rocking a reverse mullet, building a Crooked House, or flaunting her plastic surgeon’s bodacious handiwork, Kate Gosselin has been a tabloid fixture since moments after the water breakage heard around the world in 2004. The beginning of the end commenced with her 1999 union to Jon Gosselin, a man who nature clearly never intended to father children. Unable (or perhaps unwilling) to accept her fate as fertility challenged, Gosselin began a series of medical treatments and eventually gave birth to twins Cara Nicole and Madelyn Kate in 2000. Most couples would have rejoiced in their active defiance of a greater power, but Jon and Kate were eager to defy the will of God and try again for more children. Several rounds of fertility treatments later and Kate soon learned that she would be birthing a litter rivaling those of a Labrador Retriever. The lives of the new, growing family was featured on a network reality program called Home Delivery, and America got their first taste of the newly minted ten-pack that would not go away. The Gosselin’s appearance on Home Delivery snowballed to an additional few appearances on cable programs featuring families of multiples, and drew such a significant audience that by 2007 executives at a growing cable network cast the family in the hugely successful Jon and Kate Plus 8. From there Kate Gosselin bickered, bitched and name-dropped her way to a thick paycheck and the sort of endorsement deals that would make baby Jesus cry. The show took its toll on the super-family, and by fall of 2009 it was canceled, and the beleaguered couple filed for divorce. Initially, public opinion was on the side of “team Jon,” but after a series of episodes involving the power-father and a string of flaxen haired floozies, opinion shifted to “team those poor kids are totally screwed.” During this time, Kate Gosselin got her own shots in granting exclusive magazine interviews in which she bashed her ex and her new-found celebrity status. She was also photographed on a beach in a bikini. Several lawsuits and trashy ex-girlfriend tell-alls later, and Jon is poised to (finally) fade to obscurity. Kate, on the other hand, has rode her tabloid status to the top, and is content to torment us one Ken Paves haircut and a mambo at a time on her upcoming Dancing with the (D-Listers) Stars appearance. Lord hear our prayer.

The Verdict:
Guilty as all sin.

The Sentence:
This court hereby sentences Kate Gosselin to stay the hell home and watch her children. You know, before Jon brings any more “babysitters” into the picture…