The Charge: writing a book that she herself cannot read.
For the prosecution: In the “golden age” of reality television, in order to become a star, a woman released a sex tape, got a tv deal, and then paraded around in her underwear on red carpets. Nicole Snooki Polizzi changed everything. When most women were making a sex tape to get ON television, Snooki was busy making TELEVISION her sex tape. Way to elevate the game, sister!
Lets back up. The year was 1987. People in America were making fashion mistakes, George Michael released a music video paying tribute to his backside, and an Italian Chilean woman was sending her infant daughter to Marlboro, New York in order to have a better life at the expense of everyone else. If you’re keeping score, Polizzi was not born in this country, and thus would not be capable of running for president. So thanks to the founding fathers for that. She led a relatively unassuming life until middle school when she received the moniker “Snooki” after a character appearing in 2001’s "Save The Last Dance,” which came out when she was 14, and not 35 which you may have assumed from photographs taken of her. Her high school years were turbulent, and Polizzi suffered from- and has since successfully beaten- an eating disorder with the help of beer, salami, capicola, and other Italian protein sources.
In the summer of 2009 Polizzi made her triumphant MTV debut on the television program “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” a show that focused on women dating beneath them. Presumably this is where she met her future costar, The Situation. An immediate onscreen success, Polizzi came back into our homes with the debut of 2010’s “Jersey Shore” where she demonstrated the exception to the rule, “never hit a lady”. She is now the highest paid legal prostitute in America, billing at a rate of over one thousand dollars per minute of exposure. In 2010, our young go-getter scored a marriage proposal on the cover of Steppin’ Out magazine, juggled a busy work schedule with a demanding self tanning regimen, and even managed to find the time to pen a novel, A Shore Thing, which she one day hopes to learn how to read. In a country that rewards drunken stupidity, this pint-sized dynamo has taken it to the top.
Guilty of sullying the otherwise unblemished reputation of the state of New Jersey.
This court hereby sentences Nicole Snooki Polizzi to GTL: Gym, Therapy, Literacy.