Katie Irene Gosselin (née Kreider)

The Charge: Blazing a trail for Nadya Suleman

For the Prosecution: Whether it be rocking a reverse mullet, building a Crooked House, or flaunting her plastic surgeon’s bodacious handiwork, Kate Gosselin has been a tabloid fixture since moments after the water breakage heard around the world in 2004. The beginning of the end commenced with her 1999 union to Jon Gosselin, a man who nature clearly never intended to father children. Unable (or perhaps unwilling) to accept her fate as fertility challenged, Gosselin began a series of medical treatments and eventually gave birth to twins Cara Nicole and Madelyn Kate in 2000. Most couples would have rejoiced in their active defiance of a greater power, but Jon and Kate were eager to defy the will of God and try again for more children. Several rounds of fertility treatments later and Kate soon learned that she would be birthing a litter rivaling those of a Labrador Retriever. The lives of the new, growing family was featured on a network reality program called Home Delivery, and America got their first taste of the newly minted ten-pack that would not go away. The Gosselin’s appearance on Home Delivery snowballed to an additional few appearances on cable programs featuring families of multiples, and drew such a significant audience that by 2007 executives at a growing cable network cast the family in the hugely successful Jon and Kate Plus 8. From there Kate Gosselin bickered, bitched and name-dropped her way to a thick paycheck and the sort of endorsement deals that would make baby Jesus cry. The show took its toll on the super-family, and by fall of 2009 it was canceled, and the beleaguered couple filed for divorce. Initially, public opinion was on the side of “team Jon,” but after a series of episodes involving the power-father and a string of flaxen haired floozies, opinion shifted to “team those poor kids are totally screwed.” During this time, Kate Gosselin got her own shots in granting exclusive magazine interviews in which she bashed her ex and her new-found celebrity status. She was also photographed on a beach in a bikini. Several lawsuits and trashy ex-girlfriend tell-alls later, and Jon is poised to (finally) fade to obscurity. Kate, on the other hand, has rode her tabloid status to the top, and is content to torment us one Ken Paves haircut and a mambo at a time on her upcoming Dancing with the (D-Listers) Stars appearance. Lord hear our prayer.

The Verdict:
Guilty as all sin.

The Sentence:
This court hereby sentences Kate Gosselin to stay the hell home and watch her children. You know, before Jon brings any more “babysitters” into the picture…

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