Justin Drew Bieber

The Charge: Felony Preciousness

For the prosecution: Justin Bieber, or as his mom would probably prefer us to call him, “Jesus H. Bieber II”, fled the womb in 1994 in Canada and began what can only be described as the biggest pre-emptive strike between two nations at peace since David Hasselhoff stepped off a plane in Germany. The result of an unplanned teen pregnancy (show of hands who is grateful that show didn’t exist 16 years ago), Justin Bieber was raised by single mother Mallette, who worked a series of low-paying office jobs and bided her time. Meanwhile, a clearly bored (and probably unsupervised) Bieber grew interested in music and began to teach himself how to play various musical instruments- his favorite of course being Pro Tools. Mallette, not realizing that the internet is full of child-predators, began posting youtube videos of her son performing, to a growing audience of future “Dateline” hopefuls and 12 year old girls lacking a strong female role model.

In 2007, possibly the result of a bad email forward from someone’s aunt, a marketing executive stumbled across one of Justin Bieber’s videos. Impressed by the young man’s hair talent, the executive reached out to Bieber’s mother. Mallette, clearly an upstanding member of the Christian flock, began to pray for a Christian label to instead reach out to her and her son. However, after counting the bills in the suitcase filled with money dropped off at her doorstep, praying on it, Mallette allowed her 13 year old son to travel to Atlanta to record a demo tape. From there, Bieber’s hair talent was artfully coiffed and sculpted until it ousted the virtuous Jonas brothers as the biggest hypocrisy under 25 on the internet.

These days, Justin Bieber can be seen everywhere from the thigh of this man to the nightmares inside of your head. At this point, there is no known cure for Bieber Mania other than turning 18 and/or listening to a Beastie Boys album.

The Verdict?
Guilty as the hair is floppy.

The Sentence:
This court hereby sentences Justin Bieber to puberty. That’ll learn ‘im.

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