For the prosecution: Justin Bieber, or as his mom would probably prefer us to call him, “Jesus H. Bieber II”, fled the womb in 1994 in Canada and began what can only be described as the biggest pre-emptive strike between two nations at peace since David Hasselhoff stepped off a plane in Germany. The result of an unplanned teen pregnancy (show of hands who is grateful that show didn’t exist 16 years ago), Justin Bieber was raised by single mother Mallette, who worked a series of low-paying office jobs and bided her time. Meanwhile, a clearly bored (and probably unsupervised) Bieber grew interested in music and began to teach himself how to play various musical instruments- his favorite of course being Pro Tools. Mallette, not realizing that the internet is full of child-predators, began posting youtube videos of her son performing, to a growing audience of future “Dateline” hopefuls and 12 year old girls lacking a strong female role model.
In 2007, possibly the result of a bad email forward from someone’s aunt, a marketing executive stumbled across one of Justin Bieber’s videos. Impressed by the young man’s
These days, Justin Bieber can be seen everywhere from the thigh of this man to the nightmares inside of your head. At this point, there is no known cure for Bieber Mania other than turning 18 and/or listening to a Beastie Boys album.
Guilty as the hair is floppy.
This court hereby sentences Justin Bieber to puberty. That’ll learn ‘im.