Miley Ray Cyrus (née: Destiny Hope Cyrus)

The charge: being born with a stripper name, changing it, becoming a stripper anyway. Also not learning from the mistakes of Britney Spears.

For the prosecution: Miley Ray Cyrus, actress, performer, singer, and Billy Ray’s second most embarrassing emission burst into the scene in 2006 with the monumental success of the television series "Hannah Montana." On the show, Cyrus played the role of Hannah, a young girl living a double life. The role was undoubtedly a reach, and garnered numerous Emmy nominations for outstanding childrens programming. (Go figure). Not content with just starring in the series, Cyrus parlayed the success into the music business, signing in 2007 with Hollywood Records and launching her solo career. From there, she continued the double- life theme of her existence combining her solo album tour with a tour as Hannah Montana- which was dubiously named The Best of Both Worlds. Best of went on to enormous commercial success, and has clearly proven that tween girls need guidance in yet another aspect of their emotionally and mentally chaotic lives.

In 2009 Cyrus’ worlds converged when the actress/singer/performer released Time of Our Lives, and became not a girl, not yet a woman. The album’s hit single, Party in The USA can still be heard ringing in the ears of people unfortunate enough to have heard the song play at least once on the radio, and those held against their will in Guantanamo Bay. Then she donned hot pants and pole-danced on an ice cream pushcart on national television, to her father’s delight. Paging Joe Simpson, line four.

Cyrus continued her barrage of underage fervor by posing in Vanity Fair, releasing an album entitled, Can’t be Tamed in 2010, reminding Perez Hilton what happens to gay men who publish photographs of 17 year old girls in provocative dress, and giving a costar a lap dance at a film’s wrap party. On tape. With the announcement of Cyrus’ parents divorce in 2010 after 17 years of marriage (the same number of years the Spears’ were married), Miley’s transformation from unassuming, effervescent teen star to pop tart was complete.

The verdict,
Not legal, massively guilty.

The Sentence:
This court hereby sentences Miley Cyrus to pick up Britney Spears’ album, Blackout, and to study it, very very carefully. Also to think about acquiring a pre-emptive conservator who is not a biological relative.