Paris Whitney Hilton

The Charge: being an innovator in fame-whoring.

For the Prosecution: Oh Paris Hilton, much like that "mysterious ailment" rumored to be plaguing you south of the equator… medication, prayer, and outright ignoring you won't keep you at bay. Your latest legal fiasco leaves us giddy with schadenfreude delight, but there is just so much to discuss in your illustrious “career.” Where do we begin?

The world of Paris Hilton began innocently enough, when she was signed by Donald Trump’s T Management agency in 2001 as a model. In retrospect it would seem ironic that of all of the judgment lapses Donald Trump has had in his infamous career, Paris Hilton’s first taste of flashbulbs has gone unrecognized. For many young blonde tartlettes, being photographed in couture as you frolic on a beach, or look hungry on a runway would be an acceptable amount of eye-gawking attention. But when you are attention seeking (read: damaged) and you’ve got millions of dollars in other’s hard work bestowed upon you, showing off the skills learned from a pose-coach, dancing on tables, and hiding your wonky lazy eye just isn’t enough. And our lady Hilton, she doth be a trail blazer.

In 2003, before any of us knew who Kim Kardashian (imagine!) was, Paris Hilton pioneered the sex-tape to mainstream fame trail when she “unknowingly” was filmed bedding Rick Solomon in, of course, a Hilton hotel. After feigning “shock” and “horror,” and hiring quite possibly the world’s most brilliant publicist, Hilton emerged from the scandal with more lines than an East Williamsburg dive bar. To most, this sort of press would be devastating, but for Hilton it pushed her new show FOX’s “The Simple Life”, into public view. “The Simple Life” catapulted Hilton, alongside fellow fame-seeker Nicole “2nd Fiddle” Ritchie into a higher profile than her days as a club hopping bimbo could have. As the show grew more successful, Hilton’s job prospects soared, thus enabling her to attempt to steal the music of Gwen Stefani. Add to this being burgled, getting caught driving under the influence, and a series of press-based engagements, and Hilton has maintained her position as tabloid toxin for the better part of a decade. Until recently, when her fame began to flame out.

Following Lindsay Lohan’s recent media (and drug) frenzy, Paris Hilton seems to have grown eager to regain the tanning bed- like glow of the spotlight. Seizing on the popular rich person hobby of “trendy drug muling,” Hilton was recently found in possession of cocaine before- according to witness reports, attempting to find a “private” room for it at “the inn” Other, even more hilarious reports suggest she even attempted to deny knowledge of possessing the amphetamine claiming that she instead thought it was chewing gum. Though really, who hasn’t confused their Bubblicious with a class A
narcotic? Oh right, most people.

The Verdict:
Culpable, because guilt would imply shame.

The Sentence:
This court hereby sentences Paris Hilton to be eaten alive by Khloe Kardashian. Hot sauce optional.

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