Mario Lopez

The charge: Existing in our consciousness post Albert Clifford Slayter

For the prosecution: Mario Lopez danced his way into our hearts as the loveable jock prototype in 1989’s Saved By the Bell. Not content to go the way of Lark Voorhies, Lopez latched on to fame like Jesse Spano clung to her caffeine pills right before finals. Mario Lopez remained in our collective “groan zone” by dancing with d-list celebrities badly, and then reporting on them. Also badly.

The Verdict:

The Sentence:
We’re gonna give ex-wife Ali Landry three free shots at his kisser. Make them count, girlfriend. Oh, and an ugly baby, because the court has learned that he knocked his lady up, and the thought of a tabloid bidding war for the exclusive first pics is more than we can bear.

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