Kim Kardashian

The charge: Being famous for no discernable reason

For the prosecution: In 2007, a big ass and sex tape put a doe-eyed Kardashian on infamy’s list. It’s a lot like Craig’s, but only because both could potentially give you crabs. Not content to a be a one hit wonder, Kardashian rallied with a Playboy spread, and a run of highly implausible “reality” programs in which she inflicted her entire, large assed, gender-questionable tribe on America. A wedding conveniently timed for sweeps, and a baby you’d swear was a ratings stunt later, and these bottom-heavy bitches don’t seem to be goin’ nowhere. I’d say I’m at least glad Mason Disick’s conception wasn’t caught on tape, but do we really need to give the other sisters any half-assed (har har) ideas for yet ANOTHER spin-off? Take your pills, ladies, and try to keep your ass-shadows out of my direct sun at the beach. Any more ass jokes, and I might cite myself for contempt. Ass.

The Verdict:

Guilty!

The Sentence:

This court hereby sentences Kim Kardashian and her band of siblings to liposuction, bowl cuts, and non-matching burqas. Next Case!