Eric J.J. Massa

The Charge: Being a tickle monster over age of seven without the required permits.

For the Prosecution: Congressman, retired Navy veteran, and current Esquire magazine trivia question, Eric Massa is to politics what Glenn Beck is to news- comedy gold. Massa’s career began with his graduation from the US Naval Academy in 1981, upon which, according to him, he served on a boat with 10,000 sailors. During this time, between morning torpedoing and afternoon tea, Massa earned his most prolific nickname to date, as the giver of “Massa-massages” for his artful handiwork on the fleet. Because as I’m sure he’ll tell you (or Glenn Beck), there is nothing more hetero than shooting things off on a boat surrounded on all sides by seamen in bell bottoms, and then celebrating with a Massa-massage. And if he doesn’t tell you that himself, I’m sure you can ask his wife. During his tenure in the House, Massa’s time as a sailor earned him a seat on the Armed Services Committee, because nobody else could really appreciate the right to “bare,” kneedable arms like a Massa. While serving in the House, allegations began to surface that Massa tickle-tortured several of his male aides, and possible female (aidettes?) subordinates on staff. And if that wasn’t possibly enough to secure Massa’s place as the most sexually secure member of the House, reports citing a naked poking encounter with White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel have shed light on some of his extra curricular activities. Massa has since stepped down in the wake of the scandal, and has yet to be succeeded in the House.

The Verdict:
Ah ha ha, ah hahahahahahahahahah stop tickling me, you guilty guilty fabulous man you!

The Sentence:
This court hereby sentences Eric Massa to a road trip with Glenn Beck. Quite honestly, we cannot imagine him giving a more compelling interview than he’s already given, but boy we’d like to find out definitively.