James Francis Cameron

The Charge: Avatar, and it’s purported re-release this summer on Imax

For the Prosecution: Canada, home to hockey hooligans, giant inflatable beavers that amuse the likes of Bob Costas, nationalized healthcare, and director/producer/”writer”/ editor James Cameron. Oft-called “America’s hat”, many Americans, including Academy Award winning director and Cameron’s former spouse Kathryn Bigelow wish he would take his own hat and hurry back to Canada, eh? Cameron's own Oscar winning career began when he hired future governor and present day punch-line Arnold “sweet cheeks” Schwarzenegger to star in the 1984 blockbuster hit, The Terminator. From there, he went on to produce a series of films no one with a uterus was interested in seeing- from the 1986 film Aliens, to 1994’s espionage epic True Lies, where he cast Schwarzenegger in the highly-plausible role of a computer salesman. In 1997, Cameron’s film Titanic paired Hollywood modelizer Leonardo Dicaprio with voluptuous beauty Kate Winslet and captured the hearts and paychecks of women everywhere. Despite its legendary status at the box office, crew members were relieved to learn that the Director would not be attempting to resurrect the vessel in a sequel, as Cameron was described as being a lunatic control freak on set. Thirteen years, a divorce, and an oil tanker full of blue paint later, Cameron returned from an indie film hiatus with his costliest venture, 2010’s Avatar. While arguably a technologically innovative film, film critics and movie-goers alike are still waiting patiently for the release of the movie’s plot, which isn’t expected until June of 2012. Story telling aside, however, Cameron is reportedly in talks to bring as many as 10 minutes of extended scenes to Imax this summer, and may already have a sequel in the works.

The Verdict:
Guilty, eh?

The Sentence:
This court sentences James Cameron to having to arrive at next year’s Academy Awards dressed as a smurf, and to bear witness to ex-wife Kathryn Bigelow capturing history and Hollywood legend as America’s first Oscar winning lady director. Oh. Then he should have to keep the mullet.

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