Carlos Irwin Estévez (aka) Charlie Sheen

The Charge: This court would like to present Mr. Sheen with the Michael Lohan award for excellence and good judgment in parenting.

For the prosecution:

Charlie Sheen has been charming the underpants off the women folk as the son of beloved actor Martin Sheen for nearly five decades. He began a career of his own at the ripe old age of nine when nepotism scored him a role alongside his father in a television movie entitled The Execution of Private Slovik. Evidently, he killed it, as we are still talking about him today. Sheen went on to become a noted playboy and embarked on a series of hooker-banging sprees throughout the greater Los Angeles area. He is believed to have left no hooker behind with the possible exception of one T.J. Hooker. An accidental child, accidental shooting, and accidental marriage later, and Sheen was well on his way to becoming the guy more famous for WHO he was doing rather than WHAT he was doing, making him a suitable candidate for a relationship with Madonna. In 2002, after meeting Denise Richards, noted gay-for pay actress, on the 2001 set of Good Advice (how’s that for irony) he sent jaws a-dropping when he decided to give monogamy a good ol’ fashioned try. That failed pretty epically several years later. Not ready to throw in the towel on commitment, Sheen quickly remarried Michael Lohan’s ex-girlfriend Brooke Mueller, in what Mueller’s friends called “making the same mistake twice.” He later allegedly threatened to kill Mueller while on vacation, which is somehow still preferable to a long-term relationship with Michael Lohan. Sheen, in keeping with his theme of always doing what’s best for his children, is now reportedly attempting to disqualify the testimony of his soon-to-be ex during the ensuing court trial.

The Verdict:
Yes, he definitely deserves this Lohan award. Kind of funny he’s doing his ex, am I right?

Mitigating Factors:
Working Brooke Mueller through what can only be described as the “unspeakable horrors” of a relationship with Michael Lohan. And Denise Richards had that show...

The Sentence:
This court sentences him to play himself, poorly, on a show appearing on network television until it no longer amuses America. So like another 10 years.